Crescent Magazine

Obama throws in the towel to the Taliban

Now that America’s military defeat in Afghanistan is certain, Barack Obama is looking for an exit strategy. One reader who wishes to remain anonymous speculates on what Mr. Obama might write in his letter to Mullah Omar to secure a safe retreat. 
 
Mullah Omar
Amir al-Mumineen
Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan
Some cave near Spinbaldok
At the Afghan/Pakistan border

Respected Amir al-Mumineen,

Assalamu Alaikum. I hope you and the Taliban Shura are well.

I have been meaning to write to you for quite some time to talk about peace. War has gone on far too long between our two countries causing much suffering on both sides. I believe the time has come to make peace.

As the Holy Qur’an says in Surah al-Anfal, verse 61, “If they incline to peace, incline you also to peace, and have trust in Allah.”

I propose to bring a nanawati jirga to Afghanistan. To demonstrate our sincerity, we have already taken certain steps that I hope will meet with your approval. Congress has been instructed to change the name of the United States to the Islamic Emirate of America. Once this is done, Congress will be called the Loya Jirga. In the meantime, we will be paying jizyah to the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan.

Effective immediately, our cabinet is to be called the Washington Shura. All cabinet as well as military posts have been abolished. Henceforth, everyone will be called a “Mullah” and nobody will shave his beard. Khanam Clinton is the only exception, for obvious reasons. But I have had a long chat with her and she has assured me that she will stop shaving her legs. She will also don the burqa in keeping with the best Afghan tradition. Since she is fond of blue colour, Khanam Clinton has requested I seek your permission for her to wear a blue burqa. When she joins me for the nanawati jirga, she will not open her big mouth in your presence. In fact, she will sit behind a curtain so as not to be visible.

I have also spoken to Mullah Clinton and told him to rectify his errant ways. I have warned him that Afghanistan is full of stones and there are enough to take care of him. Besides, when we declare America as the Islamic Emirate, there will be no room for such behaviour. If he persists, he will be taking a very big risk.

You would have noticed that I have taken other steps as well. Mullah McChrystal has been replaced by Mullah Petraeus. Mullah McChrystal was getting too close to Hamid Karzai and K2. This last does not refer to the high mountain in Pakistan; it is a title our boys have given to Ahmed Wali Karzai although I am sure K2’s corruption outstrips the mountain’s height.

We had a little crisis when people started adopting the Mullah title. There was argument between Bernanke and Geithner. Both wanted to be called Mullah Moola; Bernanke won handily because he already has a beard; besides, he controls all the moola.

We have been scouring around to buy shalwar kameez, patkai and pattoos. We want to be dressed properly when we arrive in Afghanistan. To our dismay, we discovered that the Afghans in Washington and New York do not own clothing stores; they run restaurants and make delicious rice and kebab. The Pakistanis have cornered the market on clothing. It is amazing how smart these Pakistanis are: during jihad against the Soviets, they made tons of money by insisting all of it be routed through them. Now Pakistani storeowners have made a killing selling us shalwar kameez, patkai and pattoos.

When we come for the nanawati jirga, I will bring four lambs and a Montana goat with me on Air Force One. I and Mullah Petraeus will sacrifice two lambs each at your feet. I have been informed that Amir al-Mumineen is fond of goat milk. You will love the Montana goat’s milk; its cheese is even more delicious.

My Muslim advisor, Rashad Hussain, tells me that there can be only one khalifah of the Muslims at a time. Would it be agreeable to Amir al-Mumineen if I were to take the title of Naib-e Khalifah?

Now I have just one small favour to ask: allow our troops to leave Afghanistan without being skinned alive. They will leave behind not only their weapons but also their boots. Please allow them to keep their pants on. I hope this meets with your approval.

Assuring you of my highest considerations and respect, I remain, 

Yours
Mullah Barack Obama
Prospective Naib-e Khalifah of
The soon to be, Islamic Emirate of America 

Excellent analysis by Abu Dharr

I am a long time subscriber of your wonderful magazine Crescent Interna-tional. Its commentaries are informative and your writers cover a broad range of stories that are not usually available in the Western media. Even when they are reported, the bias in Western media reports is extremely disappointing. So I want to thank you for the great job you are doing.

I want to compliment Abu Dharr on his wonderful commentaries. His last column, A brotherly reminder to internal opponents of the Islamic State, (Crescent, February 2010) was not only brilliant but also extremely moving. I read it several times and each time I discovered a new perspective. He has a remarkable gift of presenting facts in a way that penetrate the heart.

   He put his finger on the issue by asking, “…why did one million Muslims give their lives in the first decade of the Islamic Revolution? Why did the prime minister of that time refuse, on a visit to Turkey, to go to Mustafa Kemal’s grave and follow protocol?” These are questions that our brothers taking to the streets in Iran should ponder over and answer. Do they want to be in the company of the likes of Karim Sadjadpour, Massoud Rajavi, Trita Parsi and Ray Takeyh or on the side of the mustadafin in Iran? I pray these brothers will not fall for Western propaganda, especially the US. Uncle Sam can never be a friend of Muslims, make no mistake about it.

 

Russia and the North Caucasus

Thank you for highlighting ‘Russia’s imperial policies in the North Caucasus’ (February 2010). Crescent International was one of the principal sources of news on the region when the Chechen resistance was at its peak in the mid-nineties. In recent years, this coverage had declined somewhat but Br. Maksud Djavadov has brought out some interesting perspectives that would benefit all Muslims.

There are a lot of Muslims in Central Asia and the Caucasus region. We need to know what is happening there. It was also good to read Sister Zainab Cheema’s report on Eurasia’s energy wars… and Muslims in Pipelineistan.  She is a very good writer and a great addition to Crescent contributors. I hope we will see her write more often. It is also good to note that you are encouraging sisters to become involved. We need more sisters like Sister Zainab. Thank you for the great work.

 
 
US should change policies

I would like to join Br. Farouk Nsamba of Kampala, Uganda, in urging the US to make a paradigm shift (Letters, February 2010). This is sound advice and Barack Obama should heed it if he wants to restore America’s image globally. Here in Kenya, many people were very enthusiastic when Obama became president. Many Kenyans also applauded his Kenyan roots. But now, it seems Obama is following the same policies as Bush.

I do not think Obama is stupid; he is very smart but the people around him are misleading him. He should realize that history will judge him, not his advisors. So whatever decisions he takes, good or bad, will be used to judge him.

Pakistan’s plight

On March 23, Pakistanis will celebrate 70 years of the “Pakistan Resolution” passed in Lahore. It was indeed a historic moment. There was much jubilation and Muslims in British colonial India were enthusiastic. Pakistan was created on August 14, 1947 but what has it to show for itself since then? There is total chaos in Pakistan; the army is fighting its own people; corruption is at an all time high and prices have skyrocketed. Life for the average person is miserable. Did the people make the necessary sacrifices to create this kind of Pakistan?

 
US homeless

Who would have imagined that there would be so many homeless people in the US, a country with the largest GDP in the world? Equally shocking, there are so many war veterans that also find themselves on the street. If these people are good enough to fight and die for America and protect its “values”, why are they abandoned when they return home? US unemployment rate at 10% is actually 30% among the poorest people while Obama has given nearly one trillion dollars to the banks.

 Western media and Islamophobia

It is good to see Crescent International tackle issues like the role of Western media in promoting Islamophobia (November 2009). The lie about media freedom in the West is peddled so often and with such persistence that even its victims — primarily Muslims — are taken in by it.

   The corporate-owned and controlled media does not care even for American or British citizens whose lives are directly affected by the policies of their governments so why should they care about Muslims who are perceived as the enemy? The concentration of media ownership in the hands of a few, mostly Zionists, is also extremely troubling.

   This begs the question: what should Muslims do to address the problem? It is unrealistic to expect that Muslim governments will tackle it because they are part of the problem. The West’s brutal policies against Muslims and the Islamic movement would not succeed but for the help provided by the illegitimate regimes in the Muslim world. Is it realistic to assume that regimes in Egypt or Pakistan would confront the US or Britain on whose goodwill the illegitimate rulers of these countries depend? In Pakistan, many journalists, ministers, bureaucrats, generals (both serving and retired) and academics are on the US payroll and busy promoting its agenda.

Shakir Imam
Mississauga, ON, Canada